Once you have experienced the joy of child birth, you will become so familiar with the sight of poop in the most random of circumstances. It starts pretty much immediately.
When Jack was born, being my second born, I was aware what would come out of him at first, just maybe not so soon! The midwife put him onto my chest for skin to skin contact and straight away, the first thing he did was poop all over me. That lovely icky black tar poo that just seems to smear more and more when you try and wipe it off, it was such a lovely first experience. I would not recommend it as a moisturiser either, it leaves a sticky residue that just makes you want to repeatedly shower! The midwives hadn't even had chance to weigh Jack before he delighted me with such a gift, I'm sure he would have hit 8lbs if it wasn't for his excrement. He weighed in at 7lb 13.5ounzes.
I had a very similar tar poop experience with Nathan. Nathan was the first baby I had ever handled. I really should have got some practice in. When he was finally given to me on the ward after the drama of emergency surgery, I remember feeling shocked that the midwives were actually going to leave me with this tiny person. What was I supposed to do with him? I even asked them as they tried to leave me, 'What do I do if he cries?' They looked at each other as if I was joking and said 'Just ring your bell!' Well, no one comes very quickly when you press that bell. In the middle of the night, Nathan had his first poo. I was gobsmacked, I expected little balls of tiny baby poop. I was presented with icky horrible sticky mess. It was all over my hands, I ended up wiping it on my face, on the sheets. Nathan put his feet in it and then it was everywhere. I used an entire packet of baby wipes for that one nappy. There was chaos around me as I rummaged for clean clothes and nappies but I did it. Afterwards, I laughed a lot. Looking in the mirror later, realising I still had tar poop on my face.
The poo drama these two have brought me did not end there...
Its not just the nappy years that bring poop fun, its the years after when they are 'potty trained' but decide to wait until the absolute last minute to look up at you in a supermarket surrounded by people and declare, 'Mummy, I need a poo right now!' So the mad dash starts to the toilets, that always seem so much further away when you're desperate. When your child is starting to do the penguin walk and you know there's an unpleasant surprise lurking in their underpants and the aroma of a fresh dump is filling the air. You finally make it to the toilets to realise the poop has escaped and sliding down their little legs and heading for the daylight robbery Clarks shoes that you have to buy every 6 weeks! This pair are only a week old and you're praying the slug doesn't make it! A slithery poop trail remains from the exit to the current position that seems to start drying crusty and hard almost immediately and no amount of wet tissue is going to make it budge and your child smell fresh!! Said child then becomes hysterical at the sight of the mess, putting their hands in yelling 'disgusting, get it of me Mummy' and people are starting to whisper, wondering what is going on behind that cubicle door. Well my friend, I would like to reassure you it is their own home made substances, that is all! Then once their hands have joined in, there is no controlling the poop mess then, its getting wiped across the walls, in their hair and then the mummy becomes hysterical when they decide to put their hands near their mouths...vomit alert!
My three memorable instances of poop drama have to be Toys R Us, Starbucks and the unfortunate incident in bed.
Toys R Us, we became prisoners to the toilets for about 2 hours and if you have ever been in those toilets, you will know they pong of stale urine and old nappies! 2 hours was torture. One of my lovely children was too excited looking at toys to tell me that he needed a number 2! So waited and waited until that eager poop was birthing.. the mad dash made no difference, it had escaped. It was everywhere, hands, hair, body, face, walls, floor, literally poop carnage. I had no spare clothes with me, I didn't dare leave the toilets with a naked child full of poop. So what did I do? Rang my sister to come out of work, go buy him a fresh outfit and bring it to us whilst we waited in the poop ridden cubicle. It seemed like a fab plan until we were trapped in their for hours!
Then there was Starbucks... Starbucks seems to attract a lot of business professionals, so it was always a place I felt my children needed to be quiet and well behaved. In the hurry of the school run, I had dressed my little one in dungarees and had not put that all important security vest that holds the nappy in place on. Big mistake!! On our mummy's coffee morning, it became apparent one of the three babies we had with us had pooped by the lovely fragrance complementing our hot chocolate! We discovered the scent was coming from my boy, so a quick change was required....wrong!! You see, those little tabs on nappies aren't always that reliable. The tab had failed!! The nappy became dislodged. So did the poop, only I had not realised. All we knew at this point was that this was one whiffy nappy. So toddling off to the toilet, I was unaware that the dislodged nappy was now leaking poop, which had rolled down the little legs and out of his dungarees and onto the floor. Me, walking directly behind him, trampled in it and spread it across the floor and into the toilets. So a Starbucks café full of professionals were now witnessing and smelling one bewildered mummy scrubbing trampled poop of the floor while they sipped their fancy coffee before I even started the actually baby clean up. To this day, I have never been back in there!
Then finally, my third moment of poop. The bed incident. I've always co slept with my children, I found them to settle much easier and not cry anywhere near as much. This has its draw backs though. Once, when one of my children who shall remain nameless filled his nappy, instead of crying to get me to change him, he took of his nappy and sat on my head whilst I slept. I obviously awoke very quickly to a poop covered face and a dirty bare tushy! I did not eat much that day, the nausea took some time to wear off.
Being a mummy is a risky game, but its worth it. At least I can laugh about it now :)
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